For a long time, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. It was dark, I was lost. And there is much more to true darkness than just a lack of light. I spent a lot of time crying, feeling sick and sad and confused. My husband stood by me, cleaning up my messes and wiping my tears. Through it all he kept smiling, and I will forever be grateful to him for that. He was my beacon of light. Because those first few months were dark. The physical changes and misery made making any emotional progress impossible. Instead I sank into a hole, thinking I would never feel good again, never be happy again. Thinking I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I tried to smile, to pretend I wasn’t scared. I went to work and put on a good face. But at the end of the day, I’d come home to a quiet house, sit down on the floor, and cry.
And then one day the fog started to clear. I started feeling better, and the haze in my head was lifting as well. I made a decision that it was time to not be scared anymore. And just like that, I flipped the switch. I still have moments of panic, but they pass quickly. No more puddles of tears on the bedroom floor, no more daydreams of running away and camping in the middle of nowhere for the rest of my days. I felt like myself again, like a real life functioning human being. I started really smiling.
I’ve been in a good place for a couple of weeks now. And like the sun coming through the clouds, I’m getting shimmers of light piercing my days. Excitement, even. I can see the storm passing, and the forest is in clear view now. No more being lost. I have a path, and while it still has dark and scary passages ahead, I can see that it’s a well trodden trail, full of footprints of thousands of women before me. It will be ok. With my husband by my side, it might even be the best thing we’ve ever done.